Disclaimer: Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. The writer’s opinions are his/hers alone and have no reflection whatsoever on the Blue Pencil’s stand on the issue.
Characters
- The Unholy Trinity
- You Know Who
- Π
- Galahad
- Anne Greene
- The Mob
- Roadrunner
- Bumbling Baboon (of the Unholy Trinity)
- Firebrand
THE SCENE
The Hall
(A crowded corridor: Impatient feet tapping and the frantic chatter of citizens; Some wait inside the hall while others watch the doors to the room where the Unholy Trinity and You Know Who are in conversation with the Vocal Valiants; a few citizens tire of waiting and move on to more compelling matters; Suddenly, the trumpets are sounded and eager feet rush into the hall)
Outside The Hall
(Eager citizens try to persuade the Banshees to let them in. The Banshees screech at them with a ferocity equalling that of a threatened mother eagle defending her nest. A few wily ones manage to sneak in without being noticed while others try to bargain with the Banshees to no avail)
Inside The Hall
(You Know Who strides into the hall with The Unholy Trinity in tow; the crowd looks on expectantly; He clears his throat and starts to explain the rules of the Great Debate)
You Know Who: Greetings, my difficult dumplings. Here I am again, at your behest, to humour you. The following are the rules of the Great Debate:
- Every cry-baby with a point to make or an issue to raise shall start with an introduction. Never mind the fact that I’m hard of hearing and not very good with names. A rose by any other name smells just as sweet.
- I shall justify the stand or the actions of the faceless figures who figure above me in the chain of command. I shall humour you and make a pretence of listening to your “problems”(Kids these days, I tell you, making a mountain of a mole-hill at the drop of a hat).I shall deliver your grievances to my Masters and you can hope that they deign to consider your arguments relevant (Optimistic fools are so amusing. They never tire of banging their heads against the cold, hard, unyielding wall that is us).
Now that that is out of the way, let’s start. Ladies first! After all, Chivalry is my middle name.
Π: You ready?! Let’s go!
Yeah, for those of you that wanna know what we’re all about
It’s like this y’all (c’mon)
This is ten percent luck
Twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure
Fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name
Remember the name,the name being π
Although it’s pointless Imma try
Cage us not, I beseech thee
We have cameras in every nook and cranny.
YKW: You’re but pastry dough, now. I’ve heard this all before. Sit down. My half-baked logic shall prevail over your American Apple Pie perfect reasoning. Why? Because I said so, that’s why!
Galahad: Down with the fence, sir! It’s unnecessary and unfair. It’s what everyone wants! Don’t you care?
YKW: Does it look like I do? I’m done with this. I’ve had enough of you.
NEEEEEEXT!
Anne Greene: Allow us the freedom to choose our representatives, please do. We should have a say in the matter. Our opinions matter, too.
YKW: Hmm…noted. Anything else? (BOOOO-RIIING)
Anne Greene: Pray don’t compel us to move out of our rooms. We aren’t pawns, even if the event is called Checkmate.
YKW: Rest assured, young lady, that this CHECKERMATE shall not be an issue henceforth. Let me now bask in the glory of my godlike benevolence.
(Hark! ‘CHECKERMATE’ is the new ‘Covfefe’)
The Mob: We refuse to move. We won’t budge. Our rooms will remain ours, Checkermate or not.
(Antony, Oh Antony! Wherefort art thou, Mark Antony? We have need of your silver tongue and your persuasive pleas to sway this mob.)
YKW: *pouts petulantly and grumbles* I suppose I will have to concede. So juvenile and so stupidly adamant. You must learn to be more flexible, little ones *gently chides the mob while pushing his pince-nez up his nose*
Who’s next?
Roadrunner: Sir, if I may, everything would be just peachy if the Management would only change its mentality. We should be able to trust each other. We…
Bumbling Baboon(of the Unholy Trinity): *froths at the mouth and roars incoherently* Whaa…! You…! How dare you?! Don’t angry me! *shakes finger menacingly* (I will, now, in as petty and immature a manner as I can, lord over you and remind you of exactly why we can’t be trusted)
Firebrand: (to YKW) Sir, it was just demonstrated to you how the lack of trust between the citizens and the administration leads to misunderstandings and miscommunications. That was uncalled for.
YKW: Yes, I understand. I completely agree with you. (to the Bumbling Baboon) Could you stop sputtering like an idiot and sit down? (You’ve ruined everything! I hate you!)
And so, with a few more suggestions and recommendations amidst YKW’s consistent reminders that the citizens should hurry the hell up because his time was a wastin’ , the Great Debate petered down to a feeble mutterings and hmms and haws of acknowledgement, until there was silence all around.
THE END.
FOR NOW.
